It has been awhile – like a really, really long while since I have made entry on Multifarious Mama. Nineteen months after my last entry, I am finally emerging from my silence and eager to write and reconnect again. I have thought very often of what I wanted to write about, what I had to share at that exact moment – but I chose to continue in silence for just a little longer, until I found myself just a bit more steady on my feet. The last several years in my life have been a time of great change laden with a good deal of heartache, organized chaos, personal and professional growth, and some heavy responsibilities. About the time I had to table the blog, my life had been turned completely upside down. I had spent some time prior writing about prioritized parenting, and much of my decision to step away from the blog was because I literally had not an extra moment to spare- something had to give in order to keep my children ahead of the dog fight life was having with my schedule.
My idea of balance in the world of blogging is to be as genuine and honest as I can be without sharing the most sacred and private details that make up my family and my life. Everyone knows that if you don’t have something nice (positive, uplifting, constructive) to say, you should say nothing at all. In some cases the good that unfolds from being completely honest far outweighs the safety one can feel in keeping family secrets, but this should be heavily weighed and does not come without a price. That being said, I have envisioned this exact post countless times in the last two years. How does one approach the subject of divorce? How does one preserve dignity and privacy while striving to be authentic? I found it hard to pen anything reasonable and fair while I was in the throes of heartbreak, while I was still in the relentless clutches of anger and bitterness. How could I make myself vulnerable in a post without divulging more than appropriate? So for the sake of benevolence (towards he and I both), I remained silent.
As time has healed wounds, and scars have formed to dull the searing pain one feels at the height of an injury- I have finally found level ground and calm emotions. It would never be fair to throw blame at someone who can’t defend their position, and one must always remember that some day the children will look back on the way the parents carried themselves and spoke of the other. Our pseudo divorce came as many do, with the slow and tumultuous deterioration of a love that was once so youthful and heartfelt. He broke my heart. I broke his. Together we broke our children’s hearts and made a choice for them that they had no say in at all. There is always remorse, anger, and regret- the greatest of mine is that my children’s lives have irrevocably been changed.
During the course of the last two years the kids and I have become an unstoppable team. We have learned so much and have grown beyond measure. Just as our world was tipping, I was beginning my two year trek through nursing school. It took the insistence of two deeply respected friends to help me put on my game face and find the determination to fight through and succeed no matter what. “You will not quit, Medic!” one said. “This is not a question of continuing this, you have no choice. Now more than ever, you have to do this for the kids” said the other. They were right, but I was staring another seventeen months dead in the face, and I was totally uncertain how I would afford it, juggle it, struggle it… survive it. And I feared how the overfilled schedule would impact the children. It was not the didactic portion of nursing school that took its toll on me, it was the constant pull I was feeling from every direction. Professors firmly believe that every moment of a students life should be filled to the brim with tasks, landlords have this grandiose idea that the rent should be paid every single month, and believe it or not, children actually have to be fed three times a day. I made the 300 mile round trip commute to work nearly every weekend, only to drive home the next day exhausted from long night flights and endless patient charting- and I was left trying to find the energy to engage with the kids on our sole uninterrupted day of the week. Good, bad, or indifferent – their father was transferred across the country before I started the second year of the program. This only added to the pressure, and the emotional adjustment for the kids was painful and exhausting.
If I wasn’t already striving to keep the kids at the center of my priorities, the sobering weight of life during this particular chapter certainly shifted my perspective. The greatest weight I felt, the most urgent burden pressing on me and robbing me of night after night of sleep was my children. They were making as great a sacrifice as I was, if not much greater. We lived alone in a border town just a few hours from the Pacific coast, the closest family being five hours north in LA. I tossed and turned at night trying to figure out how to shelter the kids from the chaos that consumed our lives. Some days I handled the challenges of that chapter with grace and ease… some days I went to bed thankful that as the sun rose the next morning, I could have a fresh start at this thing called Motherhood.
The last two years have taught me much about prioritized parenting; much, much more than any blog can ever capture. My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for the lessons I have learned from the changed life plans, the heart break, the amazing women I am fortunate to keep in my closest circle, and the two most incredibly forgiving children I have been blessed with raising. Some days were ugly and tear filled, but more days were full of love and triumph. Sacrifices were made by all three of us, but we have been rewarded with a deepened bond and sense of unity. Out of the ashes has emerged a much more confident, much stronger, more centered woman who’s heart is healing – one who is learning about genuine, unconditional love. As I break the long silence, I am ready to continue on this journey – learning to balance life, allowing myself to be loved, and prioritizing my most precious role – Motherhood.